Talk about it
by Zoetjetoch
Summary: When Syed sees the family video for Shabnam, realization hits hard
1. Chapter 1

**_Author's note : Last night's episode (27/08/10) inspired me to write this story. It's longer than I anticipated... One more chapter may follow.  
Please read & review. Thanks. _**

**TALK ABOUT IT**

_As you see there's someone missing today  
__But that doesn't mean they're not in our hearts  
__And that's you,... Shabnam_

Syed was just sitting there, trying to come to terms with what he just heard...the voice of his mother in his head repeating the same words over and over again.  
She hadn't said it, she needn't say it, he knew what it meant. He was no longer part of his own family.

He stubbornly pushed away the tears that were brimming in his eyes. He silently cursed himself. What had he expected? When she said "_there's someone missing_" his heart had skipped a beat, and when she said "_they're in our hearts_" he had stupidly allowed himself to hope. Only for that hope to be shattered in a thousand pieces just a second later.

Of course she wouldn't mention him. What had he expected?  
He didn't exist.  
He was erased from their lives, erased from their hearts.  
He knew that.

He'd known it the second that he made up his mind, and scampered out of the kitchen, leaving behind his startled parents.  
He'd known it the moment he handed Tamwar his grandfather's Qur'an and hurried out of the house in search for Christian.  
He knew it right there and then when he locked eyes with the man he loved and without hesitation and unwaveringly told him he finally made his choice.  
And when he turned around and saw the hurt and the incomprehension in his parents' eyes, he knew it then...  
He knew it, going home with Christian, their arms around each other and his heart filled with joy and pride that he had finally made the right decision.  
He knew.  
And there was no way back... not for them.

He didn't regret his decision.  
Not for one second had he regretted that decision.  
Never in his entire life had he felt so happy, so alive, so real... so complete, as he was feeling when he was with Christian. Finally being the person he wanted to be. The person he really was.

There was no way back. Not for them, but not for him either. Not for one second could he ever contemplate going back to his old life. To the denial, the pretence, the lies. He just couldn't do it any more. He was not that person he was before.

But of course that didn't mean that it didn't hurt. It didn't mean he'd forgotten. That he didn't miss them. His mum could get on his nerves so badly, but she was still his mum. And dad... he'd finally gained some of the respect he'd so badly craved all his life. All gone. And Kamil. He missed that little man, this new little life, so beautiful, so innocent and unaware... his soft cooing, the giggles, the small fingers grabbing at his shirt...  
Sometimes he'd wake up in the middle of the night, suddenly overwhelmed by that horrible feeling of missing them, and he'd not be able to stop silent tears from falling. He'd cry these tears quietly and on his own. He would and could not tell Christian about this. How could he trouble him with this?  
And later... in the early hours of the morning he'd lie there, safely nestled in the arms of the man who made him happier than he'd ever been before. He'd listen to his breathing, to his steady heart beat, drink in his beautiful features, and realize that at last they were together... And he would know without a doubt in his mind that this was what he wanted. And what he'd never trade in for anything else...

_As you see there's someone missing today  
__But that doesn't mean they're not in our hearts_

Just seconds before, he'd felt such joy in his heart. He felt relief and gratitude to be able to tell his sister the truth about himself. At last. Shabnam deserved to know the truth, and he had found the confidence and pride within himself to do it... with no reservation. And deep down he knew that Shabnam wouldn't judge him. She was by far the most liberal of the Masood family, and he knew she would probably just shrug, snicker, make some inappropriate remark, and move on...

But then he'd seen the images of his family. _A picture of the whole family together_... but without him. He'd heard his mother's words, and knew what they implied. And even though he already knew, even though it wasn't really a surprise at all, it had been like a violent blow in the face and it had knocked him sideways. So when the glimmer of hope in his heart had died, there had been only one way to go. He just had to delete his message to Shabs. He was no longer part of this family. He didn't belong with them any more.

It was a devastating thought. But that's just how it was.

0+0+0

Syed heard the key in the door. With one hand he hurriedly rubbed his eyes, and with the other he grabbed the remote and quickly switched on the TV. Staring at the screen, not really seeing anything, he was still trying to compose himself, when Christian leaned over him from behind and gave him a loud cheerful peck on the cheek.

"Hey you" he chirped happily "how's things?"  
"Hey" it was a quiet reply, but Syed wasn't sure he was trusting his voice right now.  
Christian immediately sensed his mood. Syed knew he could never hide anything from Christian.  
"Hey... What's up?" Christian put his hand under Syed's chin to turn his face towards him, but Syed shrugged him off.  
"Nothing's up. Everything's fine" he answered – too quickly.

"Still angry about last night?" Christian queried, a hint of remorse in his voice.  
"No, of course not"  
"Because I thought that we sorted things out this morning. I was out of line, you gave me a bollocking, I apologized..."  
"It's fine, Christian. I've told you. It's not that"  
"So there _is_ something then"  
"No... there is nothing. Just leave it... OK?"  
"OK... " Christian said, unconvinced "no worries then..."

Christian sighed and turned to put his stuff away. Sweaty and tired from a long day at work, he headed for the shower. As he was standing there, feeling the soothing water cascading down on him and caressing his tired muscles, he thought of Syed.

He fell a pang of worry. Something was definitely off. But what? Sure, they'd had words this morning. He'd woken up with the most vicious hangover he'd had in years, with the worst taste in his mouth, and the foulest smell around the flat that beat the sting of chip fat by a degree of 10,000.  
Syed had acted extra cheerful. With no flicker of compassion, and no regard for the violent thumping in Christian's head, he'd been going on and on about clients he'd booked, and training sessions Christian had to sort out, even though he really was in no fit state to do them.  
It was Syed's way of punishing him for his appalling behaviour last night. He'd deserved every ounce of it. He knew that. So he'd taken it in his stride, and had remorsefully grovelled for forgiveness. It hadn't taken them long to reconcile. When he left this morning for the gruelling work day Syed had '_lovingly_' arranged for him, Syed's kiss had held a promise, and he'd known he was forgiven.

Work had been gruelling indeed, but he only had himself to blame for that. The thought of how Syed had given him a good lesson to learn, but at the same time had left him in his own worth and, in the blink of an eye, turned a negative into a positive... that had given him all the energy he'd needed to make it a successful day for the business... and for himself.  
He'd rushed home to tell Syed that.

But something had shifted. What was wrong?

Walking back into the living room, he found Syed still in the same place on the sofa, still staring blankly at the TV screen.  
He decided to use the indirect approach... just make conversation... perhaps that would stir something...

"I had actually hoped to run into Tamwar today," he said "I wanted to apologize to him about yesterday. But he wasn't around, not on the stall..."  
"Tam's fine"Syed said. He instantly regretted saying that. Now Christian would want to know why Tam was here, what he said...  
"Oh... He came round then?", Christian asked.  
Still Syed's eyes didn't divert from the screen.  
"Yeah... he did. Look, he's fine about it. It freaked him out a little, I explained, he understands... It's fine. All is fine"

Somehow those last words didn't come out quite the way he wanted them to. His voice turned all hoarse and wobbly, and those annoying tears again threatened to surface. He swallowed, trying to hide it, but it was no use.

Christian sighed  
"Sy, please, what's up? Tell me..."  
"Nothing's up. Honestly" Syed repeated, but it didn't sound too convincing.  
"Then why haven't you even given me as much as a glance since I've come home?" Christian asked, relentlessly.  
"I'm just... watching this, OK?" Syed pointed to the TV screen. "I'm watching this... so give me a break, yeah?"

Christian shook his head and sat down next to him.  
"Golf? You are watching golf..." he rolled his eyes.  
"Yeah... It's really... interesting"  
"Hmm-mm. OK."

They sat in silence for a while

"So... who's winning?" Christian asked.  
To this Syed had no reply. He just sat there, speechless, trying find something to say that would stop Christian's questions.

Christian sighed again.  
With the lightest of touches he slowly caressed Syed's arm. Syed felt emotion constricting his throat. The comfort emanating from Christian's simple touch was a balm to his aching heart. Part of him wanted to pull back, run away from this. From the love and understanding oozing out of that gentle man he loved so much. From this conversation he really didn't want to have. The other part of him just wanted to break down and let himself be enveloped by all that love and understanding.

So he couldn't move. He couldn't speak, he couldn't even turn his head to look at him.  
But there was no need.

"Sy..." Christian's voice was soft and warm.  
"When you.. when you made your choice... when you chose to be with me,... you said to me that you didn't want to pretend any more. That you were tired of running and hiding...

His fingers drew soft comforting circles on Syed's arm.

"So I don't ever... _ever_ want you to feel like you have to pretend when you're with me. That you have to hide something from me, that there's things you can't tell me. I want you to know that whenever you're upset, or worried, or angry or scared, or just sad... you can tell me. You can tell me anything. You know that. You don't have to pretend everything is fine, when it's not. I'm here for you, Sy.  
I'm here for you, and I'm listening."

He swallowed.  
"I love you."

It was finally too much for Syed. Tears were now running down his face, but he was still unable to speak, as he desperately tried to swallow away the lump of emotion in his throat. He still couldn't look up...

Christian gently put a finger under his chin and made him face him.

"Hey... hey... Come 'ere" he whispered, when he saw the turmoil on Syed's face. Wordlessly he wrapped his strong arms around Syed, and pulled him close.  
His head buried against Christian's warm chest, Syed finally allowed himself to break down  
"It's just that.. sometimes, it just hits me, Christian... It just hits me and..."  
"Shhhhhh" Christian murmured "I know, my love... I know..."

He gently rocked Syed in his arms, and he caressed his back with long comforting soothing strokes.  
"Just let it all out, darling, just let go..." he whispered.

When the most painful sobs finally subsided, Syed looked up at the worried face of his lover

"I ... I just want you to know... I love you, Christian. There is no doubt in my mind, no doubt in my heart, that I made the right choice. This is what I want. I've never ever been happier, I've never felt so loved and so... complete... as I do when I'm with you... But... it's just... sometimes..."

He bowed his head.  
"Sometimes I just miss them... so much. I'm sorry"  
He needn't explain. Christian knew who he was talking about.  
"Don't apologize for that, Sy." he said, soothingly combing his fingers through Syed's hair.  
"There's no need to apologize. They're your family. Of course you miss them..."

"Why don't they just... why can't they even _try_ to understand, Christian...? They could at least _try_... If they could only open their eyes and _see_... see how happy I am with you. See what a beautiful person you are... how good you are for me. How happy you make me..."

"And how happy you make me..." Christian smiled.  
Tearfully Syed looked up, and tentatively smiled back.  
"I'm glad I make you happy" he whispered, lightly touching Christian's lips with his own.  
Then once again he cuddled up tightly against Christian.

Christian felt Syed slowly relax in his arms. They just sat there quietly for a while.

"What happened?", Christian finally asked gently "what started all this?"

Syed told Christian about the video message he made for Shabnam and about the images he'd seen of his mother acting as if he didn't exist. Christian silently cursed Zainab – again.  
How can anyone do this to their child, he wondered. But he knew from his own experience that Zainab was no exception. He'd been so fortunate himself that in the end... after a lot of time and a lot of heartache, he and his mum had found each other again. One day he would tell Syed about it, and perhaps he'd find some comfort in that. But not now. Today wasn't about him. It was about Syed.

"One day, Sy... they will realize the truth. I know they will. This is gonna take time, a long time perhaps... probably. But one day..."  
"I do hope so" Syed mumbled.  
"And in the meantime... I'm here. You're not alone, my darling. I love you and I'm here for you. And your brother's on your side as well. You're not alone. Remember that..."  
Christian's hands were wrapped around Syed's face, his thumbs gently wiping away the last tears. Syed's beautiful, dark eyes locked with his.  
"I will" Syed promised.

"So... what about Shabnam? You say you deleted the message" Christian asked him. "Why?"  
"I just couldn't do it. I felt … I'm outside of the family now, Christian... Somehow...it just didn't feel right..."  
"Do you want her to know?"  
"Of course I do. She's my sister. I don't want to hide the truth from her... But..."  
"Why don't you send her a message of your own then...? Ask Tam for her e-mail details or her address..., write her a letter, or an e-mail, do your own video... whatever...?"  
"You think so?"  
"Yeah... Why not?"  
Syed hesitated, but saw the unwavering kindness and support in Christian's face, giving him new hope. He smiled.  
"I guess you're right... I'd really like her to know..."  
"Then do that. Let's do that... OK?"  
"OK" Syed agreed with a smile. "Let's do that"

He settled back into Christian's arms, thinking how lucky he was with this marvellous man, this gorgeous man, so strong and so beautiful... who had touched his heart, and who made his blood run hot with passion...That gentle giant of a man who loved him unconditionally, who could peer right into his heart and soul, and who knew exactly what he needed...

"Sy...?" Christian interrupted his train of thought. "Have you seen the time? Shouldn't you get ready to...?"

Syed looked at his watch and realized he only had 20 minutes left before prayers.

He looked at Christian fondly, and shook his head  
"You are amazing, Christian Clarke, do you know that? You even know my prayer times now? That's just... incredible...  
At times, I'm hardly able to keep up with them myself... and you... you just ...?"  
His voice caught.

"It's simple" Christian said, brushing a stubborn lock of hair away from Syed's face.  
"I love you. I make it my first priority to know everything about you... and that includes your faith... so there you go... I looked it up... and... "

He felt a bit embarrassed now.  
But Syed slowly pulled Christian's head close and tenderly touched his lips with his own. It was a soft but passionate kiss.

"Thank you, my love" he whispered. "thank you for listening, and for just... being here. Yes, I miss my parents, I miss them terribly sometimes. But in a way... it doesn't matter.  
Nothing else matters but you... Us."  
He swallowed.  
A single tear, this time of joy, ran a delicate line down his face as he touched his forehead to Christian's, gazing into those beautiful green eyes.  
"You... you are my home, Christian. I love you... and wherever _you_ are... is my home"

He quickly brushed his lips against Christian's once more, before he finally got up to get ready, his heart again full of joy.

Christian watched him go, and smiled.  
"I love you too" he whispered.

And he realized he was home too. At last.


	2. Chapter 2

_Author's Note : This is the chapter I didn't plan... but just happened... ;-)_

**CHAPTER TWO**

The sharp buzzing of the alarm clock ruthlessly cut through Christian's sleep. He stirred. Half consciously he was aware of Syed quickly shutting off the noise, carefully untangling himself from his embrace and quietly getting out of bed.  
_Ramadan_, Christian thought, and he couldn't stop a feeling of admiration for his lover seeping through his consciousness. Syed's faith was incredibly important to him, and if he'd had any doubt about that, the past few weeks had really opened his eyes. He'd witnessed Syed observe Ramadan last year, but mostly from a distance then, and mostly with a sense of frustration and incomprehension on his part, because at the time it had just been another obstacle, another reason why they couldn't be together.

But this time it was different. This time they _were_ together, and he could only feel a deep respect for the way Syed practised his faith. Observing the fast dutifully, unfailingly offering his prayers at the designated times, getting up in the middle of the night to eat, to pray and travel halfway across town to go to mosque - Syed did it all naturally and without question or reservation.

And he did it on his own, without the support of his wayward family. A pang of regret shot through Christian at that thought.  
Syed shouldn't have to do this on his own.  
He shouldn't have to make that gruesome hour-long journey on public transport at this ungodly hour of the morning just to be able to practice his duties as a Muslim.  
He shouldn't have to do it in some faraway mosque where he knew no one, and where he therefore could never really find the support and respect Christian knew Syed truly craved – and deserved.  
It was just blatantly unfair.

Syed would be offhand about it though, shrugging it off, never letting show how it affected him. But Christian knew it quietly ate away at him. Christian knew why Syed wouldn't go to his own mosque. Not because he feared the accusing looks, the stares, the incomprehension, the gossip of his community - of course that was part of it…. With the renewed trust Syed had found in himself and in his faith however, Christian was convinced that Syed would suffer it all gladly, would gracefully take it in his stride… But being the gentle soul he was, the main reason he wouldn't go to the same mosque as his parents, was just to spare them the backlash and the humiliation his presence might cause them. He basically did it for _them_. Despite everything, still being the dutiful son…

It grabbed Christian by the throat. The pain he'd seen in Syed's eyes, the deep desperate sobs he'd felt ripple through Syed's body yesterday, when he finally admitted to him how much he missed his family, had cut right through his heart.

It was just so unfair.  
Syed deserved better. So much better.

Christian had been bowled over by the way that Syed finally managed to reconcile his faith with his sexuality, and with the love he felt for him, Christian... He'd been moved to the core by how convinced and how sure Syed now was that his God accepted and loved him – even if he lived a life others in his faith considered as sinful. "_You don't go to hell for having loved_". Christian would never forget those words, and the glow in Syed's eyes when he spoke them. It had told him so much more than a simple declaration of love. It was such a big step for Syed to take, the biggest step he possibly _could_ take…, a giant and risky leap into the unknown perhaps… but Syed had done it with such conviction and such confidence... It still left him speechless.

0+0+0

He heard Syed move around in the kitchen. By now, surely, he'd discovered the little surprise he'd prepared for him. Christian smiled. They'd just sat and talked last night, cuddled up on the sofa, and Syed had finally fallen asleep in his arms, emotionally drained and exhausted. He'd quietly carried him to their bed, and before joining him there, he'd gone back to the kitchen and lovingly set the table for Syed's early-morning breakfast. By now Syed's tastes and penchants held no secrets for him. The cereal, the fruit, and the dry biscuits with the unpronounceable Swedish name (and indefinable cardboard taste as far as Christian was concerned)…it was all there. Teabags ready in the pot, freshly squeezed orange juice and a fresh pint of milk in the fridge...  
All that… and a little extra something from him…

His eyes still closed, he felt Syed lean over him.  
"I love you too" he whispered in Christian's ear, before planting a soft kiss on his lips.  
_'So he's seen it'_, Christian mused, feeling his heart skip a beat – and his lips wholeheartedly responded to the kiss.  
"Hmmm... I thought you were asleep" Syed smiled, when their lips finally parted.  
"I am" Christian answered with a sleepy grin. "I was… But the kiss of my prince charming just woke me up"  
"Let's hope you won't turn into a frog then" Syed whispered fondly.  
"You're mixing up fairy tales now" Christian smiled  
"_You_ are my fairy tale" Syed answered, then chuckled when he saw Christian roll his eyes… "Sorry, I do tend to get rather cheesy at this time of day…."  
"You're forgiven" Christian pulled Syed near and kissed him again. It was a slow lazy kiss which left them both breathless.

"Thank you" Syed whispered.  
"What for… for kissing you? I think _I_ should thank _you_ actually, you…."  
"Oh shut up…. _Clarkey_…" Syed playfully ruffled Christian's hair "you _know_ what I'm thanking you for"  
His face turned serious now.

"Thank you for your lovely gesture, Christian. It means a lot" – he lovingly traced his fingers over Christian's face.  
"It's my pleasure, sweetheart" Christian answered equally serious. He lifted his hand to brush away a lock of Syed's hair from his face. "You OK?"  
Syed's beautiful dark eyes locked with his, and he smiled. "I am" he said "I really am".

He leaned down, and playfully rubbed the tip of his nose with Christian's before planting a last quick kiss on his lips.  
"Got to go now. You know how public transport in London is like… don't want to be late"  
"OK, darling" Christian answered. "You sure you don't mind going on your own? Give me a minute, and I'll go with you. I really don't like you roaming the streets of London on your own at this time of night…"  
"We've been over this before, Christian. It's very sweet of you, but there's no need. I'll be fine! Don't worry about me. Get some more sleep. And don't forget to get up when the alarm goes. You have clients today, remember…? I'll be back in a couple of hours…."  
"OK…. Be careful"  
"I will. Love ya!"  
"Love ya too" Christian mumbled sleepily.  
At least that's what Syed thought he said...

0+0+0

Syed got up from the bed, and went to get his jacket and keys. At the door, he turned around to have another look at the quiet sleeping figure on the bed. Christian had turned over, and he was clearly all the way back in dreamland already. Syed smiled fondly.  
The hand in his pocket fingered Christian's little surprise, and he couldn't resist another look. He took out the small white card and read the message again, scribbled in Christian's almost illegible handwriting.  
And again it caught his breath …

It was nothing special really, but to him it meant the world.  
Just a few simple words that said it all.

**_For the most special person in the world__.  
_****_I love you.  
_****_C. x_**

The custard cream Christian had put with it, he'd already eaten.  
But the card he would treasure forever...

_A/N : Because this is not the ending I had intended initially, it looks like there's going to have to be a chapter 3..._  
_Watch this space! _


	3. Chapter 3

_A/N : Sorry for the long delay in posting this third chapter. To remind you, this is situated in time during this year's Ramadan. This was the original story I had in mind, so wrote this straight after the first chapter, but only now got round to editing and posting. There's (at least) one more chapter to follow...  
A/N2 : I would like to apologize for any mistakes I may have made in reference to Ramadan or Syed's faith. If I have, I'd be grateful if you could pm me to let me know, and I can correct them.  
A/N3 : I've just realized I used the term "life partner" (squuueeeee), and I wrote this way before we saw Christian say it on screen... PsyChryed! _

CHAPTER THREE

Unlocking the flat door, Christian smiled to himself. He wondered what Syed would think of this other surprise he'd thought out for him. At least… if Tamwar would manage to do his part. That was still an unknown factor. Christian knew that he could count on Syed's brother to do his utmost, but he'd impressed on Tam definitely not to get himself into any trouble with his parents. There was too much at stake.

He'd approached Tamwar this morning; he was working on the Masood stall on his own. He'd seemed uncomfortable at first to talk to him, but Christian had soon realized that it didn't have much to do with how he felt towards him; it was more the worry that his mum or dad would see him talking to their "sworn enemy". He apologized profusely about the other night, about embarrassing Tamwar and making a spectacle of himself. But as Syed had already said, Tam didn't seem to care about that very much.  
He did have a wary look in his eyes though, and Christian knew he was genuinely concerned for his older brother's well-being. He still hadn't quite decided, it seemed, if Christian was a good and worthy life partner for Syed. It was heart-warming to see how Tam was looking out for Syed. He knew his brother had gone through so much already, and he wanted to do anything possible to make things easier for him. In that respect they were definitely on the same wavelength.  
The only way he could gain Tam's complete trust and his approval, Christian knew, was to show Tam how truthful and heartfelt his feelings for Syed really were. He also knew that because of his outrageous behaviour the other day, he had lost quite a bit of credit with the young Masood boy, and he'd have a job on his hands to regain some of the respect he'd lost. But for now, so it seemed, Tamwar was trusting in his brother's judgement, and he was giving Christian the benefit of the doubt.

So when he'd put his request to Tamwar, Christian had first met with a little reluctance. He could hardly blame the boy. It was tragic enough that Tam had to sneak around and lie to his parents just to be able to spend some time with his older brother. What Christian suggested was so much more complicated than that.  
But Tam had recognized it for what it was: a genuine attempt from Christian to make Syed happy. He knew Christian was right, if there was anything that would cheer up Syed, this would be it. And so he'd agreed to see if he could sort it. They agreed lunch time today. Tamwar would text Christian as soon as things were on the move…

Christian hadn't yet heard. So he'd have to keep his secret for just a while longer. He'd already checked his mobile a countless number of times this morning, to see if there were any messages, but nothing so far.

0+0+0+0

All this was going through Christian's head as he walked into the flat. He wasn't paying much attention, so it didn't immediately register with him that the curtains were closed and the flat was only dimly lit. He was already halfway to the kitchen when he realized it, and the last thing he'd expected at this time of day was to find Syed in the middle of the room, on his knees … deeply in prayer.

At first, Christian wasn't sure what to do. His first instincts told him to turn around and leave; he was always very careful not to disturb Syed while he was praying. It seemed such an invasion of his privacy. But at the same time he was inevitably drawn to the sight before him. He'd never held any trunk with anything religious, but seeing the man he loved so solemnly in prayer, in such concentration, in such peace and tranquillity, sent an unexpected lump to his throat. It surprised Christian how much it moved him.

By the time he'd realized he was staring, and had made up his mind to leave, Syed was finishing his prayers, and getting up. His beautiful dark brown eyes met Christian's in surprise as he noticed him being there.

Suddenly embarrassed, Christian turned away and mumbled "I'm so sorry, Sy… I… I didn't mean to disturb you… I didn't think…."  
But Syed wasn't taken aback at all by Christian's presence.  
"It's alright, Christian …" he smiled, "and you didn't disturb me at all. I hadn't even realized you were here"  
He started to fold his prayer mat.  
"But…I should have…"

Syed went to draw the curtains, and passing Christian he gently squeezed his arm. "I don't mind if you see me pray. Honestly, sweetheart, it's alright… Besides, I was late, you couldn't have known…"  
He drew the curtains and the summer sun flooded the room. Christian blinked hard, and told himself it was the sudden light that made his eyes water. He knew he was just fooling himself.

Syed had noticed. "Christian?... What's wrong?"  
"It's the sun…." Christian tried to fob it off, but his voice sounded croaky and hoarse.  
"Sweetheart…"  
Syed walked up to him and gently touched Christian's cheek.  
"It's OK... I really don't mind. Why are you getting yourself all worked up about it?"

Christian felt caught out, he felt a vulnerability he wasn't comfortable with – but he could not and would not lie to Syed.  
"It's not that…" he swallowed, and bowed his head. "It's just…. It was such a private moment for you, Sy and….. I'd never seen you like this before… It just… it caught me by surprise. … I didn't know… I didn't expect it would … move me so much…."  
His voice faltered, and he felt strangely exposed after this admission. But Syed put his hand under Christian's chin and made him look up. The emotion was visible in his eyes.

"Christian… You have no idea how much that means to me" he whispered. His arms found their way around Christian's shoulders, and they embraced, holding on tightly. After a moment Syed pulled back a little and locked eyes with Christian.  
"You asked me the other day, Christian, not to close off to you any aspect of me. And this… my faith... it is something I really don't want to keep away from you. I know I do it though. Not on purpose… honestly… I _want_ to share it with you. I _need_ to share it with you, because it's such an important part of me, of who I am. It's just… like you say… it's something very private, it's something I treasure deep inside of me and… I do find it hard to talk about. I can't just simply explain what it means…not even to you…  
And for that reason, I am actually glad that you just saw… this… this part of me, and that it didn't scare you off…."

He smiled. "It moved you… And that… that makes me so happy. You've been so supportive to me, Christian, all through Ramadan, and I can't even begin to say how much I love you for that."

Christian was lost for words, and they silently hugged tightly.  
"I love you too" Christian mumbled in the crook of Syed's neck.

0+0+0+0

The sharp sound of his mobile, announcing an incoming text, violently cut through the moment. When he came in, Christian had been holding the phone, but without thinking he'd put it on the table only moments before. _Tamwar_, he thought. They both reached for it at the same time. Just in time, Christian snatched the phone away from Syed.

"Oi" Syed laughed, "calm down, will ya…"  
"It could be a client" Christian said.  
"So..? I'm your PA, right?  
"Yeah… but…"  
"But nothing!" Syed held out his hand… "Hand it over, mister"  
"No!" Christian insisted, and moved the phone out of Syed's grasp.  
"I will have to assume you have something to hide then, won't I?" he was only half joking. Christian saw a flash of insecurity in his eyes. He felt awkward doing this, especially after the moment they'd just shared. He hated lying to Syed, even if it was just a white lie, which would soon be cleared up…

"I have nothing to hide from you, Sy" he said, seriously "you know that"  
"Then why…" Syed insisted, but Christian's attention was focussed on the little screen of his phone "_All set. At front door. Now_?" the message read

Christian smiled and quickly typed in "_Go_".  
Looking up, Syed was still staring at him, with a slightly worried look on his face.  
"Christian…?" he said, but was interrupted by the buzzer going.  
"Would you get that, Sy" Christian asked.  
"But…"  
"You're the PA, right?" he smiled. "It could be a client"

Syed shook his head in mild frustration, and went to pick up the door phone.  
"Oh, hi… Come on up" he answered, and to Christian "it's Tam."

Christian tried to keep a straight face as Syed put the door on the latch, turned and walked back up to him.  
"So… If you've nothing to hide … are you gonna tell me what that was all about, who that message was from…."  
"Sure I will…" Christian smiled, and as he glanced over Syed's shoulder, he added "but I think you've got yourself a visitor…."

Syed turned. On the doorstep was Tamwar, with a broad smile on his face, holding on his arm the surprise visitor for Syed. At the sight of Kamil, Syed's breath caught, and instant tears pushed to the corners of his eyes.  
"Kamil" he gasped….

In two steps he was next to Tam, reaching out to stroke his little baby brother's head.  
"Hey, little man…" he said breathlessly. At the sound of his voice, Kamil turned his head and a smile of recognition appeared on his face. He reached out his little arms towards Syed, who took over the baby from Tamwar.  
"Tam!" he said, his voice all husky and thick with emotion "how did you…?" He faltered, swallowed, started again "Thank you" he whispered, as Kamil clenched his shirt firmly in his little hands, and squealed in delight.

"It's not just me you have to thank" Tamwar said, clearly moved as well by his brother's emotional reaction. At Syed's questioning look, he nodded to Christian, who was still standing on the same spot, watching the whole scene with an affectionate smile on his face.  
"Christian?" Syed said, turning to face his boyfriend. "But… how…? What …? The two of you have been planning this together? But…"  
"It was all Christian's idea, really" Tam admitted. "He came to me, and asked if I'd do this to surprise you. I wasn't keen at first, but then I knew it was the right thing to do… You have every right to see Kamil…"

"But… mum and dad… Tam, I don't want you to get into any trouble because of this, you hear? I… I don't want you to get into trouble with them because of me…"  
"Don't worry" Tamwar said. "Mum and dad are out all afternoon for this Masala Queen function they're catering. It's a big thing, so they've gone together with Jane and Ian. Christian had heard about it from Jane... So he asked me if there was any way I could get out of it, suggest I'd babysit, and then come over with Kamil…"  
"It was worth a try" Christian added "but I told Tam I only wanted him to do it if he was sure he wouldn't get into trouble"

"As it turns out, it was easier than I thought" Tam said. "Mum wanted dad to go along to the function instead of me. Something about showing these important clients that the 'people in charge' aren't shy to do the hard graft. I am sure…." he rolled his eyes "… it had nothing to do with Ian bringing Jane, no doubt planning to introduce himself as the main stock holder of the company or whatever… I guess in mum's eyes, I just wouldn't do as 'main representative' of the Masood family…. Suits me just fine. So they left me at home with Kamil. And that's left me free to bring him to see his big brother…."

He smiled.

"Thank you" Syed said again. He looked at them both standing there, side by side, those two wonderful men, so different from each other in every possible way, but who cared for him so much that they put all that aside and forged a plan together to make him happy. His heart skipped a beat when he realized how lucky he truly was. "My three favourite people all together in one room" he rasped, as he nuzzled Kamil's little body close to his chest. "This is the best surprise ever"

He suddenly felt light-headed, and walked with his baby brother to the sofa to sit down. It wasn't long before they became engaged in a silly game of grasp and tickle, and the two other men stood by and watched it affectionately.

"Thanks Tam" Christian whispered, his eyes never leaving the heart-warming scene in front of him. "It means a lot"  
"No worries," Tamwar said. He glanced up at Christian, whose love for Syed was so clearly displayed on his face, in his shining eyes, that you'd have to be blind – and very stupid - not to notice it.

"You really do love him, don't you?" he sounded slightly surprised.  
Christian looked at him.  
"I do" he said, his voice quiet but determined "with all my heart, and more than I've ever loved anyone. I'd do anything for him. He's my life."  
Tam swallowed and took this in. It was as if at last, he could really see Christian.  
"I'm sorry, Christian" he said "I had you all wrong"

"No," Christian interrupted firmly, "don't be sorry, Tam, don't ever be sorry for looking out for your brother. You care, and that means a lot… to both of us. You're a brilliant brother to him, and you can't even begin to understand how important that is, how important _you_ are, to him... "  
He paused. "Syed is right though; don't get yourself into any trouble on our account. Don't mess things up with your parents. Be careful, okay?"  
"Don't worry, I will" Tamwar answered, clearly uncomfortable with Christian's emotional praise and concern for him and he coughed nervously.  
"Right, better be off then" he announced. He walked up to Syed and Kamil on the sofa. "I'll be back by four. Expecting them back at 5:30, so that gives me plenty of time, to get home, and this little man to bath and bed. The pram's downstairs, there's a bag with nappies, and everything else you could need. Give me a call if there's anything, okay?"

Syed looked up at him. "You're a star, Tamwar" he said, reaching out for his brother's hand, squeezing it affectionately. "Thanks"  
Tamwar just shrugged. "You're my brother. You don't have to thank me"

And with that he turned and headed for the door. Christian stopped him "Here," he said, "take the spare key… In case Kamil's asleep when you come back. That way you won't need to ring the bell, and wake him up. Just let yourself in downstairs, and give a knock on the door here, then use the key to come in. Okay?"

0+0+0+0

When Tamwar was gone, Christian turned to watch Syed and Kamil again, and he smiled. "Why don't I give the two of you some quality time together, yeah? You've a lot of catching up to do"  
But Syed would have none of it. "No… no Christian… you don't have to go" he said. "You don't have any clients this afternoon, do you?" Christian shook his head "Then I'd really like you to stay… Stay, with us, Christian,… It's time Kamil gets to know his uncle Christian a little better."

"Well, if you put it like that… how can I refuse?"

He slid on the couch beside Syed and Kamil, and affectionately touched the little boy's cheek. With wide innocent eyes Kamil looked up at him "My God, he looks just like you" Christian mumbled. Then to his surprise, a wide grin spread across the baby's cute little face, and he reached out his hands to Christian.

"I think he wants you to hold him" Syed said with a smile.  
"Me? But he doesn't know me…" he was strangely moved by the baby's fearless trust in him, a complete stranger.  
"He likes you. And he should. He wouldn't be here, if it wasn't for you"  
"It's nothing, Sy" Christian said, finally picking up the baby, who immediately started groping at his t-shirt. "It was all Tam's doing really."

"That's not what I mean. You saved his life, when he was born. If you hadn't been there….." his voice drifted off. "No one ever even thanked you for it, did they…?" he added quietly.  
"Sy… it's okay. I just did what anyone would have done in my shoes. I don't need to be thanked for it"  
"Yes, you do!" Syed insisted. "At least I should have thanked you… But… but I was in a bad place back then…and…"  
"Please, darling…" Christian reached out and softly caressed Syed's cheek. "It really doesn't matter. Kamil's here, he's safe and healthy and blossoming, and that really is all the thanks I need. Seriously."

Syed smiled his most beautiful smile at him "Well, I'm thanking you anyway, whether you like it or not". He leaned in and softly kissed Christian's lips.

The moment was brutally interrupted, when Kamil's little fingers got hold of Syed's hair, and pulled hard.  
"Ouch!"  
Very soon, Christian was in stitches, laughing at Syed's whimpering, as they struggled to remove Kamil's clenched fist from Syed's head, carefully disentangling those little, but very strong fingers without yanking out any of his hair. But the harder Christian laughed, and the harder Syed protested, the harder Kamil pulled. He squealed with delight. He thought it was a brilliant game...

0+0+0+0+0

The afternoon had just flown by. Christian was watching the sleeping boys in his arms. Syed was holding Kamil, who was curled up against his chest, fast asleep. The soothing presence of his sleeping brother - in turn - had lulled Syed into a comfortable slumber. Instinctively, he had snuggled up to Christian, his head against his shoulder, and Christian had slung a protective arm around them both, pulling them as close to his chest as he possibly could, without waking either up. He couldn't take his eyes off them. The little body of the baby so trustingly in his big brother's arms, Syed – even in his sleep – instinctively caressing Kamil's back with his fingers.  
Christian had often watched Syed sleep. But there was something different about it today. Syed looked so completely happy and so at peace, Christian fell his heart lurching. This was a moment he would never ever forget.

There was a soft knock on the door.


End file.
